^26th March

Sunday morning and I’m aiming for a nice relaxing day, yes. The sun is out even. Maybe I will go out for a little Sunday walk through the park and stop by the market to buy some fruit and veggies. Last night I went out with this girl Susan, a high energy girl with long pink hair who I met in the sauna of the gym. A girl with the largest pair of silicone boobs I’ve ever seen. I really don’t get how she can manage to find clothes to fit her frame. They surely must be custom made, right? It’s like two balloons sticking out from her stretched out tops and you just want to pop them with a needle. Anyway we went to a few clubs, and then met up with a few girlfriends of hers and eventually I got bored and left. Decided to stop by Alex’s bar to see if he was working. 

He was there for sure, but the bar was packed and we couldn’t talk. I was constantly hit on by drunken assholes while I was sitting alone by the bar, waiting for every chance to talk to Alex, and I started to get really irritated. I was so close to hitting someone, like, punch them in the face. I had some tequila, and some more. And at some point I leant forward to Alex and said: “You know what? I almost got killed a few days ago!” He just looked at me, like with no expression really and said “oh?”... Yeah, he probably thought I meant it in this casual way people talk like, when they say “oh, I almost got hit by a buss, or yeah  I slipped and fell down a ladder... “ or something like that. But I said “yeah I almost got shot, it was a deal gone bad, you know...” He looked at me and raised his eyebrows and said:  “Huh, what? How the hell did you get mixed up in that??” And I said, “well, my job you know....!”

Ok, though the haze of tequila, I realised how stupid that was. Luckily he didn’t really get that and thought I was merely joking . Kind of amazing really, how you can be really honest with people and they actually don’t believe it. But of course, I should have never said that. And with it I realised how hard it will be from now on to actually make friends and have relationships with ordinary people. How I have to lie, fake it and be alert all the time, not to confuse my made up stories, to always hide the truth and keep my secrets safe from them. And now I realise how isolated I will be from now on. Basically I can only hang out with gangsters. Well, I never connected with the ordinary people anyway, so I don’t mind. But Alex I really want, so I guess I have to try and be smart about what I say to him.

Anyway, back to the nice, sunny day today. I’m ready to go out for a walk. Ok, to be honest, I feel kinda depressed today, perhaps a bit lonely. But don’t we all feel alone, really? Hmm, maybe I should get myself a dog, or a cat...?!