5th Jan:
 It’s the 5th already and I am back home. I left mum’s and dad’s place on the 3rd and it’s so good to be back in my cool and cosy flat. I love it here. Been living here since end of September when I finally could afford such an awesome place instead of the shitty little council bedsit I had to stay at before. It’s not big, but real cosy, with a living room to the right, and a bedroom to the right as well and then down the hall, a little bathroom and the kitchen to the left.  It’s in fairly good standard and most of all, on the right side of town... the posh side, yes. A real home, all to myself!  I just opened the balcony door in the kitchen to get in some fresh air. I love the view out into the backyard. Seeing all the other windows and balconies. You can see the little university park in the distance as well.  It’s raining outside -  damp, cold, a little misty... pretty miserable as one can expect it to be around this time of year. But I like it.  I’m sitting here at my little kitchen table having some cocoa with cream, hmm, perfect for a slow Sunday morning. I’m waiting for Jamie to pick me up and I am so excited to see him. I really wonder what he did during Christmas, if he had family somewhere and what kind of cover story he has for them, if any. Not sure if I should ask him such a private thing... maybe not yet. I surely thought about him a lot while I was home. This is the first training session of the year and I better make a good impression. A little nervous, Jamie said that I will be introduced to a very important person this week. Hmm, I’m so intrigued. So he just texted me saying that he would be here in an hour. So until then, I’m just gonna chill and enjoy the misty morning. 

(c) I am Ruthless

10. January 

It’s friday night and I deserve a party night out. Gonna meet Cassandra for a drink at one of our favourite bars. I bought this cute, black dress from Zara’s earlier this week, and I can’t wait to show myself around in it. I already told Cassandra that we have to step by the club and office tonight before we go out, just to check in with Mister N. and chat a bit. Of course I just hope that Jamie will be there and see me in my gorgeous dress. Yeah, it was so nice to see him again. Even though he seemed pretty distracted and preoccupied with his cage business and other stuff. But I did have a couple of days with serious training. Got some painful blows to my shoulder, but it’s going good. Had a good time with little Paul as well. He’s always so funny. I actually was assisting him on a job. A quick hit and run. Well, I didn’t really do anything except sit in the passenger seat holding his coffee as he drove off like a maniac. No idea what or who he was aiming at. But I was present, for sure. Little Paul is such a good driver. As usual he offered me a little nose candy afterwards as we safely stood parked in the car park below the city centre and this time, I had a little, yes. Hey, after all, Jamie was not around. We had a really good afternoon... So I guess I kinda witnessed my second death, but I didn’t want to ask Paul. I felt nothing, except the relief for not getting caught. And this is pretty amazing. 

Anyway, I was introduced to a very important guy this week. The one Jamie talked about. He’s simply called ‘the Gardener’.  For obvious reasons. The Gardener, I assume, is digging holes... in his garden. We all know what that means, right? I’m not really sure how it works. All I learned is that after a mission, and every hit we do, we are supposed to ring the Gardener immediately after and he will take care of things. Make everything disappear, erase all traces leading to us and most of all, to Mister N. Apparently he never made a mistake.  So Jamie and me drove out to his farm house, which was just half an hour out of town. Indeed he has a large, overgrown garden right by the woods. I do wonder how many bodies might be buried out there. We drove up to the house and the door opened and there this thin, middle-aged man with a bony, but very interesting face, waved to us and  invited us in. Of course I recognized him, as I had seen him before.  I saw him once coming out of Mister N.’s office. I then had no idea that this slim, silver- haired man in a grey suit indeed was such an important figure.  He is very discreet for sure.  Anyway, we went into the living room, which was very rural an old-fashioned furnished, and he made us some tea with rum. Yum.  Classical music was running in the background, of course, another gentleman with taste.

 The Gardener was a very pleasant man to talk to actually. He’s very calm and collected. I like him. I was introduced to him as the new member of Mister N.‘s team.  Aww, that made me so happy. He seemed positively pleased to have a girl in the gang to do business with. He asked Jamie if I had been trained and was ready for business and Jamie said, absolutely. God, I was so proud!! This is such important shit, really, sometimes I don’t really grasp how big this is. What my life has become. What a big part I played now. There is no turning back now, for sure. I’m all in.

So the Gardener talked to me a little and explained to me what exactly his job is and how I am supposed to always follow strict instructions, nothing more and nothing less. I got a special cell phone with his number on speed dial. And then he said ‘we will talk soon’. I was relieved that I understood my part. Not too sure about some of the stuff he said.... I think he has chemicals, like acid, and then he mixes it with base afterwards to neutralize it, thus having water that he can use for the garden. So you basically could drink it, even though I really wouldn’t want to drink water containing dissolved death.  I don’t think the neighbours would be too pleased either if they knew, hehe. But anyway, the Gardener is very environmental friendly, which is really nice. He seriously is a fascinating guy. The quiet ones are always the most interesting, aren’t they?

 Jamie and me drove back to town and had a pizza at a restaurant. I really enjoyed our afternoon trip, having him all to myself. Finally I could ask a little bit about his holidays and yeah, he said, he had a nice Christmas at his parents place, hehe.  Weird to think he has a normal family to go home to, but then, we all live but a shadow life here.

Well, I better get ready to go out.

P.S. – same night...  Jamie was not there!!! Damn! I’m frustrated, hmm. But we had a good night out anyway.  Cass got so drunk I had to carry her into the taxi, hehe. Well, I’m tired... gonna take tomorrow off.

(c) I am Ruthless

17. January

The sun came out today, nice, even though it’s real damn chilly outside. Right now I’m sitting at a café with this yummy cinnamon latte. It’s noon, and I’m sitting here, just writing in my notebook. It feels weird sometimes, there’s people around me, sitting, walking by, some are smiling at me... and none of them has any idea what I am doing. They assume I am just a normal girl, like them. And then sometimes I am sitting somewhere at a café or eating place and one of the guys walks in, like Jamie or Paul, or Mirko the French driver, and we all have coffee, and well, nobody suspects anything weird. We blend in. And definitely, we blend in much better than some of those biker dudes we sometimes do dealings with. I mean, hello? They definitely look shady, but still, they also just go out for a normal cup of coffee just like everyone else. Actually, I see them quite often hanging at my favourite, cosy coffee house by the park.

 This dude came by our factory room the other day. On his motor bike, having bad guy, or at least, wannabe bad guy, hehe, written all over him. He just didn’t give a shit, and Roamer, our street leader, got pissed off with him because he drew unnecessary attention to us. The biker’s name was Hale, he’s a trained and good looking dude for sure. Long blond hair and a messy beard, tattoos up to his neck, a little trashy, but absolutely sexy. I would do him for sure, but hey, I never said that, of course. Anyway, he came round to the room looking to buy a gun. All the nasty little deeds that Roamer and the guys are dealing with are done in the factory room, far away from Mister N. and his offices. Quite obviously. I will talk more about that place another time. I really don’t like being there. It gives me the creeps  and I try not to hang there unless I get ordered to. But yeah, that Hale dude was pretty cool, and he looked over to me a few times while I was sitting in the sofa. I hope he realised that I am part of the team, and not just someone’s girlfriend hanging out.

Oh and what else is new? I found a new cool bar downtown, with this really hot bartender, this typical hipster dude with tattoos and a big beard, a seriously awesome guy. So I think I might stop by there later for a drink and sit by the bar. But now I better go, I need to grab a sandwich before I’m gonna walk to the office and check in with Mister N.  

(c) I am Ruthless

29. January

Whoa, talk about coincidence. I just had to write this down. So this biker dude Hale was at the gym today. I had just arrived and changed into my fitness gear, ready to do some boxing, when I passed by the toilets and there by the door stood this Hale dude, with his long hair tucked back into a pony tail. Wow, I didn’t expect that. So I passed by as nonchalant as I could and just gave him a quick smile before walking on. I didn’t know that he was training here too. Now I tried to focus really hard and tried even harder to have a tough work-out, but I was so distracted, which was really annoying. So a bit later I walked around, looking for Jamie and I found him in his little basement office. As we stood there chatting a bit, this Hale dude actually walked by, greeting Jamie. Jamie said “hey, what’s up?”... and then when the guy was looking at me, Jamie said: “Ah this is Ruthless”... hah, awesome. Well done Jamie! Hale looked at me with a smile and winked: “Oh, are you Ruthless?”... I said all cool with a smirk, “yes, that’s my name.” And he replied : “well I better watch out then..” Haha, he’s so cute. So, he already saw me at the factory room with Roamer and the guys, and now he knows my name, which in fact is ‘Ruthless’, so he definitely knew now for sure that I was not just some bimbo girl hanging around, but that I am working in the business. Brilliant. And it was really awesome that he was standing here now with me and Jamie, winking at me. I really hope Jamie got a little jealous at that. He didn’t say anything though.

Oh, I also really flirtet with this Alex dude at the bar I mentioned. I really fancy him, and I like talking to him. Had this hot dream about him as well... it was so weird, but so very sexy. I will go back there again next week.

(c) I am Ruthless

13. Feb.

I had to play “prison guard” the entire week. Not really my job, but I was thrown into it and I can’t say it was my thing really. But hey, I am part of the gang, and sometimes I have to do the dirty job together with the gang. Of course Jamie wasn’t there at all, oh no, he’s way too important for that kind of primitive shit.

So what happened? Well, as usual, I didn’t really get the details. Just follow instructions and don’t ask questions. Mister N. just called me last Monday morning and told me to visit the guys at the factory room and help them out with taking breaks, delivering take-out food, drive around doing errands for them and stuff.  Fair enough, but god, I so hate the factory room! Ok, let me explain. The factory room is down by the docks. An empty, old warehouse building used for different shady purposes, yes amongst those hostages up on the top floor... including a few tortures and kill offs.  A fucking creepy place, I hate it, especially at night... I’m sure the corridors are haunted. So was I really the right person for a guarding position? I don’t think so. I’m too afraid of ghosts! I’m sure the other guys are creeped out too. If they were honest.

So anyway, we had to watch this guy, and make sure he kept in place. The guy was an informer for another boss who indeed had become a threat to Mister N. and thus, to all of us. So the guy was sitting on vital info, and Roamer tried to hammer it out of him, but the guy would not sing, not even at gun point. No matter what Roamer said or did to him and seriously, crazy Roamer tried everything.

So Roamer got desperate, and hungry, which always makes him very cranky. They tied the guy to this chair in the middle of the room... Roamer and his good helpers, Kalle and Mika poured water on him, first ice cold, then hot. The guy was screaming, turning all red on his skin and then he was pissing down the chair, but still he wouldn’t talk. The smell got to me, it was nasty and I almost ran out of there. I mean this was just wrong! I’m not a bad person and torture is not my cup of tea.

Roamer was just about to cut the dudes tongue but Joel reminded him that he then really could not talk. They decided to get the car battery and give him those electro shocks on his chest. Guy was crying, then shitting his pants, and I felt really bad for him. This was horrible and yet, I couldn’t say anything. Damn why didn’t he just talk?? Hell, I would! Just say something, just make up some shit that wasn’t true. I mean, what a way to go. This kind of situation is really not like it is presented to us on film, where some hero is always tied up or locked up for a long time, but still looking fairly clean and has not been to the toilet at all. This really is not the case in reality. In reality, the victims pee and shit their pants very quickly. It’s not like they scream and then go “oh hey I need to go to the bathroom” and the tormentors go “oh sure, down the hall to the right, but hurry back to the chair”.  No, it’s not like that.

The guy stayed in that chair for two more days, so yes, one night the boys all went home to go and get some sleep and I was called in to do some night watch. Me alone, watching that poor dude moaning on that chair, sitting in his own dirt, gross. Well Joel was supposed to stay with me but then he said that he had to go home to feed his cat, and then he never came back, which was so not cool.  God, the next hours were dreadful. And I was so freaked out and scared by the place, I did not go to the bathroom down the hall the entire night. I just sat there all stressed out by the table, with my large magnum, ready for any possible attacker, human or ghost. My heart was pounding. I was thinking about calling Jamie or little Paul and asking them to come over because I really cannot do this, but really, I simply could not show them that I am such a little sissy. Maybe this even was a test, I don’t know. The lads came back at 5 in the morning and thanked me for sitting guard for them, aww, that was nice. So glad when that night, and with it, my ‘shift’ was over. I really hope that I don’t have to do that kind of work again.

Anyway, the guy is fine. His boss cut a deal with Mister N. and he then was released from his torture  chair. Young Kalle put him in his van, and dropped off his beaten, shit-stained body outside the hospital last night. The guy never talked. Impressive. I really don’t wanna know who had to clean up that mess in the room. Luckily it’s so not my problem . 

(c) I am Ruthless 

22. Feb

Really cold outside today, chilly, frosty, windy and totally unpleasant. Had a relaxing day treat for myself anyway. Went to my favourite Spa massage at the Grand hotel, then went shopping and even had some time left to have my nails re-done, before I’m going to go to Alex’s bar again. I know he will be at work this evening. I did some sleazy investigating, haha. Funny though, down by the shopping centre, I walked past this book stand and those grey, washed out, New Agey women behind the stand called out to me to have a look. I stopped, looking at a few books, though I never read books... I mean most of them are written by someone with views I don’t like, so they just end up annoying me. But one was called “Women who run with Wolves”.  Good title, surely lousy concept. One of those women started to talk to me about this “women who run with wolves” shit... and I had to smile. Is she like trying to teach me something?  Like, who do they think they are kidding, right, haha? Come on! Being so out of shape and overweight as these ones here, they seriously could not even run with dogs, least of all any wolves. Such flaky women are just as domesticated and boring as everyone else. They are not feral.  And seriously, no way they could fight. Doubt they have any kind of predator spirit. Anyway I quickly moved on to get a smoothie at the smoothie bar café. Having my favourite, ‘Broc Choc’.

But I’m reminded of Mister N. when he said a little while ago as we were out dining: “You know, there are three types of women; there’s dogs, there’s bitches and there’s wolves... The dogs roll over, the bitches – well, they are bitches, and the wolves -  these girls are pure and wilful... powerful, unpredictable... yes, just like you, Ruthy!” God I love Mister N. and his inspiring words... Hmm, I wonder if he likes cats...

(c) I am Ruthless

1. March

Ok. Well, I had my first hit. Alone and totally unexpected. It was a spontaneous thing really. A possible witness, who needed to be silenced, on the day.  Mister N. said that guy would never expect a girl to come to his door to take him out, so he wouldn’t be alarmed. Suddenly, my moment had come. Perhaps too soon, but this is what I signed up for after all. I wasn’t nervous about killing a person. I was afraid about messing up and getting caught. I was really afraid. Little Paul picked me up at 4 this morning. Way too early, but I was wide awake, obviously. I was told to wear a skirt and pumps to look like an ordinary woman. I also wore a short blond wig, just in case. And a hoody of course - what a peculiar working outfit. Anyway we drove far out of the city to the target’s bungalow. Paul parked across the street and according to our infos, the guy was alone and would leave the house around 6 am. He gave me a quick rundown of everything that he taught me about close ups before sending me out. 

Just before 6 am I walked over and into the garden, acting as casual as I could, waiting in the bushes there. The fat ole guy didn’t come out before halv past six and I was shaking from the cold and anxiety, really, but finally he opened the door and looked nervously around. You always have to be a 100 percent sure that it is the right person and that he is alone. I walked right up to him with a sweet “excuse me sir...”  and as he turned around to look at me I shot him twice in the chest. And once again to make sure I didn’t miss.  No sound. Not from me, not from him and definitely not from my pistol, as I have this really cool new silencer. He fell backwards back into the hall. And quickly I walked back to the car with my hoody drawn into my face. Paul drove off quietly yet swiftly and as we went around the corner I changed outfits. Paul gave me the phone to call the Gardener and like arranged, I just said “It’s done!” Gardener replied politely “Ah yes, very good. Take care”. And that was it. Yeah, and then I started panicking. “Paul, Paul, what if I messed up, what if we get caught???” But Paul was totally relaxed and said “hey calm down, you did fine. Well done Ruthless”. I didn’t for a second think about the target. All that mattered was that I didn’t mess it up. For myself or everyone. But Paul assured me that Mister N. and the Gardener would take care of everything.  Finally I was breathing in and breathing out. And then we went for breakfast. Paul ordered a brandy for me.

I relaxed a little bit and then it sank in. I did it. Wow! I knew I could do it! I couldn’t wait to see Jamie. I promised myself I would be totally cool and careless when I saw him. We drove back into town and I asked Paul to drop me off at Jamie’s. It still was early in the morning, so he would be home. He opened the door and wasn’t even dressed yet, mumbling something like ‘it’s a bit early for a visit’ but then he seemed to remember and asked eagerly “oh right, yes, how did it go??” I said “fine”... but then I couldn’t hold back my paranoia and bubbled on about getting caught... I mean, I finally pulled a trigger on someone... Jamie was so understanding, he even gave me a hug and wasn’t wearing a shirt yet, for a second I got so turned on. He fixed me a drink with whiskey and coffee, and said that if I always follow instructions, I can’t go wrong. Don’t think about it. Then he had a shower... while I was sitting in the living room, fantasizing. He drove me home because he had to do something, he said. I tried to sleep a bit. Late in the afternoon I went down to the office to see Mister N. I looked at him with expectation and said “well? All good?” He smiled “ah Ruthless” and he gave me an envelope. Then he went to make us coffee. So I quickly opened the envelope and OMG, there was a lot of cash! I blushed right there. Mister N. came back into the room and then he actually shook my hand and said “welcome to the business Ruthless”. This alone was worth everything.

The feeling of being above the law is just amazing. So as I’m sitting here now this evening in my living room, watching TV and eating good food, I’m waiting to feel some bad emotion, some form of regret or even guilt for what I did. I am officially a killer, I’m really am now a paid hit-woman. But I continue to feel nothing. Like I said, those people are doomed to die anyway. I’m just the tool. 

(c) - I am Ruthless