24^th  March

Been sent around town with Roamer on a few more delivery jobs. And one of them actually got ugly. We met this young ‘rich kid’ on Tuesday night down in the west-side parking lot and when the dude nervously looked around himself a few times, we realised he was not alone. The bully that he is, Roamer quickly pulled his gun, grabbed the kid and put the gun to his head. Before I could grab mine, two motherfucking big dudes with sunglasses jumped from out of a dark Mercedes that was standing in the row behind us and pointed guns at us, screaming chaotically. No idea how they could see with those dark glasses down here, but anyway, I got fucking scared. I didn’t know what to do, but my instincts told me to play cool. So I put my hands in the air and said with a sarcastic tone: Whoa, whoa guys! Now you wouldn’t just shoot down a girl in cold blood now, would you? It actually worked. The guys calmed down for a sec and we could negotiate to sort our little problem here. 

Turned out those two heavy loaders were the life guards of the rich kid, who of course was too chicken to meet us alone. Can’t blame him really. After Roamer was done shouting and insulting everyone, he put the gun down and the rich boy got his high class coke. We got the cash bag and all three of them drove off quickly in that fancy, dark blue Benz.  Finally I could breathe out, but goaad, was I shaking. Roamer could have had us killed, but oh no, he doesn’t have the sense to even consider that. He was complaining and swearing all the way back to the factory room. But then again, in our business, you can get killed in an instant anyway. I really understood that now. This is the risk, and this is what Mister N. warned me about in the beginning.

I had to take the bus home that night, and I drank a whole bottle of wine. I really don’t like dealing with Roamer, even though he congratulated me on my first hit and gave me a really expensive bottle of whiskey. I don’t like all those petty, brutal gangster jobs. I’m itching in my fingers and I want to kill someone, yes literally.  I don’t want messy jobs. I’m supposed to be a cat on the hunt, not a rude, barking bull terrier like Roamer.

What... and now this, for real??? Just now I got a message from Mister N. Asking me to jump into a taxi and pick up his wife’s dry cleaning on the way to the office. Gee, that is not my job?! Shouldn’t a maid be doing that for him? Come on? Fair enough, I am Mister N.’s all-round assistant after all, guess I shouldn’t complain and just do anything he asks me too.  Jamie told me this morning that there is going to be a hit soon out of town and one, or even two of us, will be going to do it. Oh, please, let this be me and Jamie....  Jamie and me on a trip together, oh wow, there definitely would be romance in the air for us. A girl can dream, can she??! Well, I better get going to the dry cleaners...  

^26th March

Sunday morning and I’m aiming for a nice relaxing day, yes. The sun is out even. Maybe I will go out for a little Sunday walk through the park and stop by the market to buy some fruit and veggies. Last night I went out with this girl Susan, a high energy girl with long pink hair who I met in the sauna of the gym. A girl with the largest pair of silicone boobs I’ve ever seen. I really don’t get how she can manage to find clothes to fit her frame. They surely must be custom made, right? It’s like two balloons sticking out from her stretched out tops and you just want to pop them with a needle. Anyway we went to a few clubs, and then met up with a few girlfriends of hers and eventually I got bored and left. Decided to stop by Alex’s bar to see if he was working. 

He was there for sure, but the bar was packed and we couldn’t talk. I was constantly hit on by drunken assholes while I was sitting alone by the bar, waiting for every chance to talk to Alex, and I started to get really irritated. I was so close to hitting someone, like, punch them in the face. I had some tequila, and some more. And at some point I leant forward to Alex and said: “You know what? I almost got killed a few days ago!” He just looked at me, like with no expression really and said “oh?”... Yeah, he probably thought I meant it in this casual way people talk like, when they say “oh, I almost got hit by a buss, or yeah  I slipped and fell down a ladder... “ or something like that. But I said “yeah I almost got shot, it was a deal gone bad, you know...” He looked at me and raised his eyebrows and said:  “Huh, what? How the hell did you get mixed up in that??” And I said, “well, my job you know....!”

Ok, though the haze of tequila, I realised how stupid that was. Luckily he didn’t really get that and thought I was merely joking . Kind of amazing really, how you can be really honest with people and they actually don’t believe it. But of course, I should have never said that. And with it I realised how hard it will be from now on to actually make friends and have relationships with ordinary people. How I have to lie, fake it and be alert all the time, not to confuse my made up stories, to always hide the truth and keep my secrets safe from them. And now I realise how isolated I will be from now on. Basically I can only hang out with gangsters. Well, I never connected with the ordinary people anyway, so I don’t mind. But Alex I really want, so I guess I have to try and be smart about what I say to him.

Anyway, back to the nice, sunny day today. I’m ready to go out for a walk. Ok, to be honest, I feel kinda depressed today, perhaps a bit lonely. But don’t we all feel alone, really? Hmm, maybe I should get myself a dog, or a cat...?!