11. March

Well nothing exciting has happened really recently. It’s been quiet, Mister N. is on holiday in Malta and sadly he didn’t bring us along on the trip. So a lot of time we spent training and then relaxing at Jamie’s place, watching stupid daytime television and drinking whiskey sour.  Jesus, there is so much shit on TV during the day, it’s unbelievable! Pure toxic for the soul... It’s all about reality shows where morons, trash and bimbos make a fool out of themselves, just to make a daytime looser on welfare feel better about himself, or herself. Seriously, what is the point?

 Jamie, little Paul and me had this big discussion about why on earth people would want to watch ill-behaved humans that basically have no life and seriously don’t do anything of interest. Why do people want to watch non- life on TV, instead of going out to live a cool, real life themselves? And the more embarrassing and trash-talking a person appears on TV, the more famous they get on social media. It seems like a twisted reality, right? On the other hand, individuals from the underworld, with truly daring and exciting lives, they are not on social media, obviously. They are too busy living a thrilling life. Can you imagine Mister N. being on social media? Haha, no way!  

So Jamie and Paul were joking about how funny it would be like to have little Paul on one of those reality shows, and on the screen it would say “Paul – hitman and gangster”, haha, or even better we should sign up Roamer for a reality show, “Roamer – torpedo and drugdealer”... yeah THAT would be a show worth seeing. No, people like us don’t have online profiles leading to our person. And if, it would be a cover identity with boring updates just to blend in with everyone else, so that our relatives don’t get suspicious. But diary writing, well, that is personal of course. It’s a secret.  Hey, I do often wonder when I write this down if Jamie, Paul or even Mister N. write a journal with their everyday activities. Who knows, probably not, but it would be real cute if they did. I wonder what they would write about. Maybe something about me?

So, the only job I had the past week was on Friday, when I drove a suitcase filled with party pills to a client and collected the money. No biggy, but I don’t like those drug related jobs, they stress me out. 

(c) I am Ruthless

24^th  March

Been sent around town with Roamer on a few more delivery jobs. And one of them actually got ugly. We met this young ‘rich kid’ on Tuesday night down in the west-side parking lot and when the dude nervously looked around himself a few times, we realised he was not alone. The bully that he is, Roamer quickly pulled his gun, grabbed the kid and put the gun to his head. Before I could grab mine, two motherfucking big dudes with sunglasses jumped from out of a dark Mercedes that was standing in the row behind us and pointed guns at us, screaming chaotically. No idea how they could see with those dark glasses down here, but anyway, I got fucking scared. I didn’t know what to do, but my instincts told me to play cool. So I put my hands in the air and said with a sarcastic tone: Whoa, whoa guys! Now you wouldn’t just shoot down a girl in cold blood now, would you? It actually worked. The guys calmed down for a sec and we could negotiate to sort our little problem here. 

Turned out those two heavy loaders were the life guards of the rich kid, who of course was too chicken to meet us alone. Can’t blame him really. After Roamer was done shouting and insulting everyone, he put the gun down and the rich boy got his high class coke. We got the cash bag and all three of them drove off quickly in that fancy, dark blue Benz.  Finally I could breathe out, but goaad, was I shaking. Roamer could have had us killed, but oh no, he doesn’t have the sense to even consider that. He was complaining and swearing all the way back to the factory room. But then again, in our business, you can get killed in an instant anyway. I really understood that now. This is the risk, and this is what Mister N. warned me about in the beginning.

I had to take the bus home that night, and I drank a whole bottle of wine. I really don’t like dealing with Roamer, even though he congratulated me on my first hit and gave me a really expensive bottle of whiskey. I don’t like all those petty, brutal gangster jobs. I’m itching in my fingers and I want to kill someone, yes literally.  I don’t want messy jobs. I’m supposed to be a cat on the hunt, not a rude, barking bull terrier like Roamer.

What... and now this, for real??? Just now I got a message from Mister N. Asking me to jump into a taxi and pick up his wife’s dry cleaning on the way to the office. Gee, that is not my job?! Shouldn’t a maid be doing that for him? Come on? Fair enough, I am Mister N.’s all-round assistant after all, guess I shouldn’t complain and just do anything he asks me too.  Jamie told me this morning that there is going to be a hit soon out of town and one, or even two of us, will be going to do it. Oh, please, let this be me and Jamie....  Jamie and me on a trip together, oh wow, there definitely would be romance in the air for us. A girl can dream, can she??! Well, I better get going to the dry cleaners...  

^26th March

Sunday morning and I’m aiming for a nice relaxing day, yes. The sun is out even. Maybe I will go out for a little Sunday walk through the park and stop by the market to buy some fruit and veggies. Last night I went out with this girl Susan, a high energy girl with long pink hair who I met in the sauna of the gym. A girl with the largest pair of silicone boobs I’ve ever seen. I really don’t get how she can manage to find clothes to fit her frame. They surely must be custom made, right? It’s like two balloons sticking out from her stretched out tops and you just want to pop them with a needle. Anyway we went to a few clubs, and then met up with a few girlfriends of hers and eventually I got bored and left. Decided to stop by Alex’s bar to see if he was working. 

He was there for sure, but the bar was packed and we couldn’t talk. I was constantly hit on by drunken assholes while I was sitting alone by the bar, waiting for every chance to talk to Alex, and I started to get really irritated. I was so close to hitting someone, like, punch them in the face. I had some tequila, and some more. And at some point I leant forward to Alex and said: “You know what? I almost got killed a few days ago!” He just looked at me, like with no expression really and said “oh?”... Yeah, he probably thought I meant it in this casual way people talk like, when they say “oh, I almost got hit by a buss, or yeah  I slipped and fell down a ladder... “ or something like that. But I said “yeah I almost got shot, it was a deal gone bad, you know...” He looked at me and raised his eyebrows and said:  “Huh, what? How the hell did you get mixed up in that??” And I said, “well, my job you know....!”

Ok, though the haze of tequila, I realised how stupid that was. Luckily he didn’t really get that and thought I was merely joking . Kind of amazing really, how you can be really honest with people and they actually don’t believe it. But of course, I should have never said that. And with it I realised how hard it will be from now on to actually make friends and have relationships with ordinary people. How I have to lie, fake it and be alert all the time, not to confuse my made up stories, to always hide the truth and keep my secrets safe from them. And now I realise how isolated I will be from now on. Basically I can only hang out with gangsters. Well, I never connected with the ordinary people anyway, so I don’t mind. But Alex I really want, so I guess I have to try and be smart about what I say to him.

Anyway, back to the nice, sunny day today. I’m ready to go out for a walk. Ok, to be honest, I feel kinda depressed today, perhaps a bit lonely. But don’t we all feel alone, really? Hmm, maybe I should get myself a dog, or a cat...?!

1.April

It’s Saturday evening and I’m so tired. I did something bold last night, yes. After training with Jamie and Paul I decided to simply walk into Alex’s bar and ask him out. I said to him: “Hey, I had a frustrating day and I need some fun. When are you done here?” And he replied a little shy: “Ehm... 9pm, well, now actually... why?” and I said: “Awesome. Let’s go and have a drink at my place!” And yes, he said ‘yeah ok’!!! Wow, suddenly I got so nervous. Ok, the thing is, I really wanted Alex for sure, but the trigger for my sudden date wish was Jamie. 

At training he looked so hot, and he was such a charmer with his cheeky smile and flirty comments, that it painfully turned me on. I so fancy him. I so wanted to fuck him, right there. I got so frustrated. I even got distracted with my boxing and made some seriously bad fighting moves, and I took several nasty blows to my thighs. The spot turned black and blue at once. Outch. But I bit my tongue and played it cool. Then suddenly the guys talked about girls and Jamie commented something about some blonde chick he was doing not that long ago, and what awesome great tits she had...  and whooa! I got really jealous listening to that! I got mad to be honest, and really wanted to slap him. Arrgg. Why is he going out with some blonde chic when I am around, huh?

So I was in a really horny mood... and frustrated, and then I just thought ‘fuck it’, like literally... ‘I will ask Alex out and see what happens’. I’m almost surprised he agreed so quickly. Alex came out of the bar, wearing his black leather jacket over his white top and he looked so good it made me even more nervous. He brought a bottle of rum with him from work and then we took a taxi home to me. We had good laughs, and a lot of rum while we were sitting by my cute little kitchen table. Then we played some good deephouse music in the living room. He told me he was Dj’ing sometimes at a bar downtown. Our happy conversation let us to drugs and then he asked me if I had any at home. And I said “well... I got some coke...” remembering all the tiny bags I got from little Paul a few weeks ago. Alex was surprised and pretty much into it, and we had a noseful. He asked me if I can get nose candy easily, and I told him ‘yeah I can’... He got really excited and then he asked me about the other night, when I told him at the bar that I almost got shot. Shit, so he suddenly remembered that one. Damn. 

I kinda had forgotten that he is a sleazy bartender after all, keeping in mind all the strange confessions people blubber out in their drunken state of mind. Somehow he put two and two together and kept digging: “Ok wait a minute... are you a dealer or something? You must be, right..?” I said I really wasn’t a drug dealer, no. He asked me what I did then. Yes sir, that’s a tricky question right there...!  What was I supposed to say? So I answered a little vague and mysterious about being an office assistant to a nightclub owner and I said casually: “yeah drugs are kinda involved sometimes, yes. “ Alex was impressed “Wow, wicked. So you really are a badass chic, huh? Hey, how cool is that? And you can get free coke, right? Come on this is awesome...” Not sure why he was so eager about the coke.

Anyway, I thought it was enough talking. We were both a little high now and drunk, so I just kissed him and turned on the heat for real. Luckily I had no worries about my body. I was clean shaven and wore cute matching blue underwear. Before I always had to shave just before a date, and if I was unprepared, it would be like; no shave, no date. Which was pretty annoying. Especially when you did shave, and then came home empty handed and basically, it had all been for nothing, it was bloody frustrating. But since I started working in the strip club I have those regular Brasilian waxes and keep my whole body hairless. I also invested in good underwear. I mean, in my line of work now you never know when you get killed. And really, I don’t want to be found dead  in shitty underwear and then lie on some coroners table all naked and they comment, “uhh look at this hairy bitch, lol, she should have had a shave for sure... “

And, I really am proud of my abs these days. Yes, my body is super tight. But anyway, first we were doing it on my sofa... goaad his body is so sexy... those tattoos and his tight, big arms, this beard and aaahh, wow that was passion. Wild man for sure. So we initiated my stylish new, black couch, with trancy deephouse playing in the background, adding to the ecstatic mood and the rum bottle spilled all over my oriental, black coffee table, but hey, I didn’t care. We then moved along into the bedroom and yeah, he stayed the night... I was in heaven last night... and this morning... Nice! 

And he even stayed for breakfast too. I tried to keep the conversation light, avoiding questions about myself. I have not told him about my name ‘Ruthless’ either and I really want to. I mean, I really don’t know how far I can go. He seems so cool, open-minded and trustworthy, but really, I cannot risk letting him in on my secret life and how deeply involved I am, obviously. If only he knew. Again, I realised how difficult it would be to start a normal relationship. I have to ask the guys about this, like how do I handle people’s questions about my life. Do I avoid them, or lie openly with fake answers. Alex left before noon and I just said “hey, I see you around... ok?”  hinting that I am not interested in anything serious. But yeah, I did have a really cool night... and I love my life style! For sure!

(c) I am Ruthless

7^th april

I found out a few days ago who is going to do the hit out of town. They said it’s going to be me and Paul. Yay, Paul is fun, this is going to be exciting. But yes, I was so very disappointed that it wasn’t going to be with Jamie. This would have been a fantasy come true. Typical, ah! Well, another time for sure.  I hope... Anyway, Paul and me are supposed to fly out next Tuesday morning, then check into a hotel as a couple, and afterwards we are supposed to drive back home again with a rental. Cool. I’m looking forward to that, a little road trip with little Paul, haha. Yeah we are going to have a good time for sure. But hey, it still is a job, a real murder, I shouldn’t forget that. I will meet Mister N. and the Gardener this evening for a briefing.

Oh and Alex sent me a text already on Sunday... saying what a great night he had with me and that I was such an exciting girl, not like those other boring bitches he usually meets. Aww, I was so flattered. He asked me to come down and see him at the bar during the week. I didn’t go yet, but I might swing by later tonight for a drink. 

11 th  April

Hey, time goes fast. I had dinner with Mister N. on Friday. He invited me out to this new, exclusive Japanese place at the riverside. Jamie was also invited, but he had to take care of a cage fight event this evening. Typical, but never mind. I’ll get Mister N. and the Gardener all to myself then, I thought.

What a cool place! All the waiters and waitresses wore those flamboyant Geisha outfits. Real atmospheric.  Good that I took the time to change into appropriate evening wear. I went home early in the afternoon to change from my skinny jeans and big boots into my short, body-fitting, lovely purple velvet dress and my new olive green high heel boots. And I got the chance to wear my gorgeous black, faux fur jacket again. New French manicure as well. I felt so good. Mister N. ordered champagne for us two, and shortly after, we were joined by the Gardener.  He wore a neat suit as always over his skinny body and his backwards combed dark-silver hair smelled newly washed. He is such a pleasant gentleman, really. So soft spoken and yet, so witty and funny. Looking at this shy, introverted person, you really wouldn’t believe what kind of business he was in. He is truly an example of brilliance paying off. We had such a good laugh. Ah yeah and I know now his real name...  really suits him as well, but nahah... I won’t tell.

I’m seriously fond of those two men. They sat across me and looked so amusing together, one being short and round, the other tall and meager, haha. Since we’re all in the biz, we could talk all real. No secrets and cover up stories here. I could totally be myself.

The food was exotic, to say the least. And a little too strong and eccentric for my taste buds. Since we had a good conversation going, I confessed to Mister N. that I don’t really feel too comfortable driving around town with Roamer and his boys, beating up punters and drug runners, watching torture, etc. I much rather would like to focus my energy on the important assignments, and develop my skills to become the best silent killer. And both Mister N. and the Gardener understood what I meant. My bosses agreed that I had far too much class for doing the dirty street work with brutes like Roamer. Mister N. said that hits don’t come on a regular basis, naturally, so he wanted to fill my time with experience and something to earn cash with. And the streets are always good business. We then discussed the upcoming hit out of town and Mister N. promised that after that one, he will provide me with proper lists, containing details and also a little more upper security work for his private domain.  Nice.

Of course I told him, I would do anything for him, really. It feels so good to be loyal to Mister N. The ordinary people and good citizens would never understand this kind of loyalty... They are just involuntary slaves to the system.  They are bound by strict laws and social rules. We, on the other hand, we are ‘outlaws’, yes, we are outside and indeed, above the law.  We are free, and powerful. And it is loyalty and surrender  to a boss like Mister N., that makes this freedom possible.

Oh, and I also found out if Mister N. likes cats... Haha, he has three of those hairless cats, or rather, his wife has them. Mister N. agrees that they look hideous, but they have a great personality, he states. I really enjoyed the evening. Made me feel so important. And then the Gardener was kind enough to drive me home and wow he even opened the door for me. Aww. He is such a sweet gentleman. Funny to think we are both in the ice cold killing business... But anyway, as soon as I got inside, I called a cab and drove down to town again. Call of nature, hehe. I had to see Alex and at least, get myself a quickie with him. The bar was packed and Alex told me to hang around for an hour and then he would come home with me. He mixed me this wicked vodka drink while I sat by the bar and waited for him. Again, the drunk people around me got on my nerves and I was so close to punching this one guy out. The cool thing is, I really could. ;-) 

Ok, so we drove home and Alex made a big deal out of me taking the cab everywhere, saying annoyingly aloud that I’m so well off, which is no surprise with my dirty job. And then he asked me whilst still in the taxi, if I had any nose candy at home. Gee, how about being discreet! And I actually said “no I don’t anymore, just wine” because I didn’t fancy staying up all night. He seemed disappointed about that. Anyway, I then got what I wanted; hot steamy sex on my cosy couch with his oh so sexy body. The details... they remain in my head. Seriously, I feel sooo good these days.  

(c) I Am Ruthless

23 april:

I’m back from my trip. And it was pretty intense. Paul and me flew out early in the morning to our selected city. I was so excited about the travel alone. I really wish we could have done a bit more sight-seeing. Sadly I was disappointed with that. After all, we were here on some serious business.  Paul slept away the entire plane ride. And then we were picked up by a driver in a blue suit and cap. It was pretty funny, he stood there with a sign saying ‘Price’, which was our cover name.

We were rushed into a black Mercedes, driven to this parking lot next to a shopping centre, which was just off the highway, where we met a middle-aged man in a long, blue coat who handed Paul a suitcase and a set of keys.  The driver then took us to a hotel where we checked in under our fake names Mr and Mrs Price. So funny, Paul really isn’t my type. If it would have been Jamie, yes, it would have been so much more convincing.

It was a pretty fancy hotel. And I really looked forward to a little Spa time, some nice room service, and yes, a little shopping and exploring of the city, but no, Paul was already focused on the job, and started to unpack the suitcase. Inside were a riffle and the instructions. We had to go to the building across, that was what we got the keys for. We were supposed to go there after working hours and shoot the target from there. But first, we had to find him. And how much fun that was. We were sitting in the lobby with a close eye to the reception, hoping for him to come and check in. After two hours of lounging around in the lounge, he finally showed his face and now I had to tag him, followed him into the lift and up his floor, making sure I saw the key and thus room number. Once I confirmed his identity and room number, I could tell Paul. Just after 6 pm we made our way inside the building across from the car park below and took the stairs up to the fifth floor, which was a bitch. The floor was a pretty much deserted, empty office area. We found the bathroom that would give us a clear view across to the hotel room of the dude. We found the room alright, but the dude had drawn the curtains all shut, so we couldn’t see anything. Damn. So we waited and waited.

Then Paul sent me down to get some food because he started to get cranky and unfocused. Finally I could explore the area a little bit. And I hoped that Paul would get a shot in the meantime. I found a cool take- away, had some coffee there and flirted a little bit with the cute waiter. I was thinking about Alex, and then, got pretty horny.  But hey, I thought I’d better return to the job. I got the food and made my way back into the office building with the keys. To my surprise, Paul still sat at the same spot with the riffle and was waiting for an opening, literally, a curtain or window to open up. Damn. So we were eating, watching, eating... and then I got impatient. I wasn’t really sure what plan B was, but suddenly I had a brilliant idea.

 From our safe cell phone I called reception (fake name, of course) and asked to be connected to his room. Indeed he picked up his hotel phone and I said “oh hello sir, I’m in the room above you and I think my wedding ring dropped onto your balcony, could you please go outside and see if you can find it...” and he replied “uhm, yeah sure, hang on”. And finally, he came to the balcony door, drew the curtains and opened the door to step out. And as soon as he stood there; BAM Paul got him right between the eyes. Wicked! I told you, Paul is such a good shooter. The guy didn’t see it coming and fell backwards like a plank, right there by the door.

Awesome, now there was no way of telling where the shot came from. And it was dark as well, so nobody noticed. Nobody would find him until morning and we would be gone. Paul was very pleased. So we cleaned up, switched off and rushed out of the building like shadows, and then we changed at a restaurant into our evening wear.

Back at the hotel, we were sitting by the bar, chatting with the bartender and other guests, telling them about the concert we had just been to. And all that time there was a dead guy upstairs in room 522 and none of them had any idea. Around 1 am we ‘retired’ to our room. Being at a job like this, we’re not allowed to sleep, we’re always on guard, so we lay around on the bed and watched TV until about 3 am and then around 5 am we collected our stuff together so that we could leave around 6 am. Having a casual check-out, like everybody else.

We had coffee at a bistro until around 7 am. The same driver met us outside and drove us back to the parking lot. There we returned the suitcase to the client and a red BMW rental was waiting for us. Sweet. The guys drove off and now we were officially off the clock. Now I could breathe out.

Time for us to drive back home, where big cash was waiting for us. And Paul as usual, drove fast. We had a cool time in the car; chatting, joking, playing music on high volume so we wouldn’t fall asleep. After 4 hours drive on the highway we stopped for a longer break and finally took a nap in the car. We had a good lunch at the highway restaurant and then we got ready for the next 7 hours in the car.

We had fun. We played hip hop, sang along to the radio... I thought of telling Paul about Alex, but then decided not to. I just told him that I had a really good lay the other day... I had to brag a little about that for sure. I mean, Paul talks about his women affairs all the time.

So here we were driving, Paul and me. Like two regular people on the road, sitting at a restaurant, chatting, looking like and living like everyone else, and getting treated like everybody else. Nobody suspected that we were anything but. Not even we. The interesting thing is that it seems so unreal, so far away from our selves. Who are we really, and does it really matter what we do? It seems so distant, the night before, almost forgotten.  I still feel like the same person I’ve always been. It’s like all that stuff happens to someone outside of me, and I don’t feel anything yet... no remorse, just nothing. It’s almost like I’m watching myself on TV.  

We never ask who the targets were, but one thing is for sure, they are all dirty as fuck. Otherwise they wouldn’t get into trouble with Mister N. and his illicit clients. Anyway, it’s another Friday, I’m gonna ask Alex to come over now.  Booty call, my dear ;-) 

(c) I Am Ruthless